muthoniee

Daddy

Remember how you told me to beware of Nyeri men? There is one that has me on a chokehold. You’d hate him. He is too flamboyant for your taste.

I met him at Njuguna’s a couple of days before baby and I went visit the siblings. He just saw me and lit up, and I saw him and my stomach dropped.

I met him again when we got back, and things took off from there, but fizzled out pretty quick. He was a balm to my very wounded soul. He’s trying to start things up again, we’ll see.

ION, the other guys, our inlaw’s, the guy’s who spoke badly about our family when we visited them for the first time, are in serious trouble. The matriach moved to be closer to her family, and left alot of unfinished business. Its rather ugly to be honest.

Better news, you have another grandson. He looks EXACTLY like you, with your exact same mannerisms.

We really miss you. I miss you. I could use your steady hand right about now.

I was today years old when i learnt about this paradox. All afternoon I’ve been thinking about it. Still thinking about it. It goes to the question, I’m i the same person i was say…5 years ago? My world view, my values, my thoughts. my circle…Everything has changed. I’m i the same person?

I ask this question over and over again because, first, happy new year….This year i got to spend it with Family and it was has been amazing. We haven’t been together in the same place at the same time in over 20yrs. Except for my sister, whom I’ve seen abit more than my brothers. Our interaction has changed. It’s become….More. I’m more patient, i think.

Anyways, as i write this, I’m in Anaheim, California. First time out here. Looking at people in their cars, very very large cars, going about their business. Sipping Iced coffee and eating avocado toast. Such an American snack. Loving every minute of it.

Having this experience now and learning about the paradox today has made me realize that, this was the perfect time for it precisely because I’m who i am now. Its the only way I would have been able to fully appreciate the experience. I love it here. I intend to make it a habit.

Some, if not most of us have been there, an untenable situation where you have resigned to go with the flow, as long as the paycheck comes in, on time. You are told to jump, you just jump, you count down the clock, you maximize and minimize your emails, you see emails coming in after clock out and it becomes tomorrow’s problem. Your soul is withering slowly every second of every minute of every hour of every day you are there.

How do you survive it? My colleague likes to to say:- focus.

This is my coping strategy:- What is my WHY? Why i’m i here? Why do i need to put up with this? And its simple, Money.

The money i make gives me the ability to experience Joy. When the muhindi shouts, and the ka-ching gets credited at the end of the month, i can buy myself a bottle of wine, take myself to a spa, go out for a long drive to wherever, check myself in to a hotel in Nanyuki. Pesa ni sabuni ya roho.

Over and above that, I have the ability to build something, so that i don’t have to put up with this forever. That is how i survive this.

I read somewhere that burnout in corporate is rampant when you are given responsibilities without the decision making power. Fancy words for a set up.

And thats why i’ll push on, because i now know the pitfalls, and i know my why.

Why is that?

Nobody is consistent with blogging but mine is another level. I even tried journaling. Smh.

So, i lost my 2nd job 5 months ago which in turn significantly hurt my finances. I’ve been working on getting a new one to bridge the gap. My debts wont let me prosper. Then i significantly hurt a budding friendship with skewed loyalties. That one hurt alot.

But alot of good things have happened too in my life. The biggest being, baby girl finished primary school and now she’s in high school. I finished my house, well, almost finished it. I’m hoping that i could do the finishing touches before the rains. The idea is to have market it as a getaway place. Also, i became an Aunt again. I have 2 wonderful nephews.

TN, my forever soulmate. He hurt me recently. But, it didn’t hurt as bad this time. I just need to accept that some things were not meant to be.

I want afew things this year:-

1. finish my debt:- let me tell you maina, between the bank debt and other debts, its huge. But i can manage it
2. finish my house and monetize it
3. work on my farm and grow it
4. work on the 2nd job

those are the things i want to accomplish this year.

The best description of grief i’ve read so far is:- It makes everything tasteless and colorless. It hangs on you like a cloud, nothing makes sense, everything requires effort that you have no interest making.

My Dad has been unwell for a while now, and the thought of it breaks my heart because its a malaise that is so unnecessary. He was admitted at Nairobi Women’s Adams, right at the height of 3rd wave Covid. Diagnosis, +ve. Antigen test said that. So much drama after that, coma’s, Kidney issues, lung issues, prostrate issues, you name it, he had it.

But i’m not grieving, i’m just pissed off…REALLY pissed, partly at the broken health care system in this country, and also the nonchalant ways some medical people can be. One day i will relay that story. But mostly i’m mad at myself, for trusting that Doctors do no harm. I was wrong. Dead Wrong. Doctors are people first, which means that greed and ego goeth before humanity and compassion. I recall the first meeting i had with my Dad’s primary doctor. It was an entire week after he was admitted and nearly died. Reason:– A test came back with unexpected results. However not all doctors are the same, but if you are unfortunate enough to meet one, its a terrible terrible thing.

However in the same hell hole, i met some wonderful people. Actual human beings Loise and Phylis, Godsent Nurses, Angels. Dr. Njihia, No bullshit kind of person but kind. And Fair, and a human being. However, I would not recommend any one to ever go to Nairobi Women’s Adam’s. Especially if you are a cash payer. The stuff i’ve seen on my bill is for tears.

My family and i managed to move Dad to a different Facility. We thank God for it and we pray that he pulls through whatever damage the other place did to him. We are hopeful. We are praying.

14th October, barely 3 weeks ago, my heart broke. I feel at this rate, my heart looks like a ceramic ornament that has been glued back together within an inch of its life. Its a miracle its still beating this tattered heart of mine.

But the thing about a broken heart, is the scars make it harder, rougher, worn. Like your hands after years of using them to work. I really miss you Thomas, my life is not the same without you. When i need to talk to someone, you are the first person who comes to mind. Like now, so so so much is going on. I would LOVE to share with you. Although, sometimes i felt that you did not share my excitement or less than excitement over the stuff i was going through. But still, its always nice to have someone you can talk to.

Much as my heart is lighter, because the fights are over, the bitterness the anger, all gone. Its still a little heavy because, we shared a life i think. We went through stuff together, good and bad. The upside of being in a relationship is that you always have someone who will listen to you. I don’t know if i was that for you. I’m still not sure what i brought to the table for you.

Sometimes i single mindedly focused on the bit that was not working in the relationship, like the lack of commitment. I know that one is a biggie. It will always be. But i should not have let it overshadow everything. Even the good stuff. If i could do it again, i know exactly what i would do different. I pray everyday for you. I love you, always will. ❤

Because i can’t verbally articulate to anyone how i feel. So i write it.

This period has been trying, and not just because of the Covid. This period, this year, has been a nightmare for my personal life. More and More, i’m despairing.

Today i read a story on Bikozulu’s blog. I love his writing. A man going through what he’s calling “an emotionally abusive marriage”. This is when someone holds your emotions hostage. Has your heart by the balls.

I think its happening to me. He is doing that to me. I hate it. I want out. I think i want out. I know i don’t want to be alone.

Please God, Help me.